It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle Kindle Edition

I found this book on my healing journey on Amazon but usually wait for a personal recommendation before I purchase, in most cases. At the time I had just exited a highly abusive marriage and a potentially abusive relationship. I had created a hole for myself ready to dig from the bottom up and get some answers on why I kept choosing to be in relationships that were unhealthy for me, and now my children. Talk about one hell of a validating book! This was one of those reads that every page I felt more sense of relief as so many unanswered questions began to feel resolved for me. I was able to do alot of soul searching, meditation and writing after reading this title and excavating deep rooted wounds from my past. I began raving about the book to a few.close friends I knew who I believed would greatly benefit and one of them.informed me of a tv series by the same name on Netflix. I was thrilled and rushed to the streaming service and blew through.each episode. The stories in the book were coming to life before my very eyes not only.for my.own circumstances but also others. Incredible read would highly recommend to those on a healing journey or who want answers about abusive patterns, tendencies and characteristics carried on from their past lineage.

I was raised in insanity and addictions with lots of abuse. This book explains the heritage that I acquired and tools to release the past to move forward into a sane and better life. It is most helpful for moving out of the mental anguish I was raised with.

This book is an important one that I'm glad that the author took the time and effort to write. However, since it falls under the "self help" genre, I feel its also important to make some distinctions about the audience this book best serves. Like another reviewer who wrote "avoid if you've overcome a toxic family", I think this book does not serve them well or anyone who was abused or severely neglected by primary caregivers, at least not initially in their healing process (and maybe not at all). I think a point not emphasized enough in the book is that the author himself spent 2 years on a spiritual journey BEFORE coming to the realization that emotional disconnectedness with his family was at the root of his own health problems (in other words, he did a lot of self-healing before attempting to connect with his parents). It makes perfect sense for him that re-establishing the emotional connection with his parents would be the logical solution to his own healing. Assuming his story is accurate about how his family was merely emotionally disconnected due to a mother stuck in grief and a father who suffered from low self esteem and there was not much in the way of emotional, verbal or physical abuse, this a perfect and beautiful situation in which re-establishment of emotional connection is the answer. However, in the case of abused and traumatized children by their caregivers, this is generally NOT the answer, and especially NOT the first step in the healing process. Abused and traumatized children have serious boundary issues, self-worth issues, difficulty forming healthy relationships, etc., that need to be dealt with first and foremost before attempting to restore relations with very unhealthy and toxic people who perpetrated the abuse. The caregivers are in fact the cause of the trauma and the issues and it is not simply a case of emotional disconnectedness with them. In other words, how can you emotionally connect with a person who is so emotionally shut down and disconnected that they abused their own children? It might be possible in some cases, but it is going to take a lot of energy and effort on the part of the abused child (now an adult) to make it happen and they may even put themselves in danger by doing so. Plus this type of therapy can place an intense internal conflict on the abused child to "make right" what the parents did wrong to them by trying to reconnect with them. I think that's where this type of therapy can do some psychological damage if the facilitator/therapist is not careful. If there is a way to utilize this type of therapy with abused children, this book did not cover it, at least not in much depth and did not recommend resources for people who come from those types of families and situations. I hope that will be rectified in a new edition or perhaps another book.

It was a very good book! Very informative!

I should have purchased this a LONG time ago. Within the first few pages had some major insights/breakthroughs. Lots to talk about with my therapist!It’s a relief to understand why certain things carry greater emotional weight for me, and to start learning how to free myself from the burden of generational trauma.

After almost 2 years of no-contact with my mother, I’ll be visiting her this weekend with a bit more compassion in my heart. This book was a game changer within my reparenting journey.

Purchases for my mother and she thought it was okay.

This is a book that helps those who have memories they remember mine was not that way. God had to heal mine without remembering abusive issues. God told me who the abusers were but not all the details of the abuse. I would get warnings ahead of time of what the abusers would do and got away before they harmed me.

I bought this based on all the great reviews and recommendations. I’m someone who has inter generational trauma aswell as individual. Anyone with an abusive relationship with their parents would find this book triggering, it suggests that the only way to truly heal is to repair the relationship with your abusers (parents), one to one. Not only untrue but also stupidly reckless. Not backed up scientifically by studies either. Looking for somewhere to recycle this.

To cite the bible as a legitimate source tells you everything you need to know about the author. Unsubstantiated claims and dubious case histories. I feel the positive reviews were from people who want to believe the content rather than look at it critically. Utter tosh.

This book is religious and didn’t stare that anywhere before purchase. So disappointing.

The idea that you inherit trauma via your mother's and grandmother's DNA is hard to believe. The book ignores the fact that the manner in which parents behave will have the dominant effect on children, not something transferred to you via your mother from your grandmother. My siblings and I have (obviously) the same parents and grandparents, but we are three very different people. We have reacted differently to the traumas or absence thereof in our own childhoods. This book is a load of nonsense.

I love this book. If you are a self help junkie and a wannabe family detective, like me, you will enjoy this! I would definitely recommend it if you're dealing with issues that you just can't work out the origin of.